


It Always Comes To This

by obi_ki



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Fluff, Injury, Introspection, Love Confessions, M/M, POV First Person, POV Qui-Gon Jinn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:09:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29793105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obi_ki/pseuds/obi_ki
Summary: An serious injury causes a choice that changes everything
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 12
Kudos: 28
Collections: Master Apprentice Archive





	It Always Comes To This

**Author's Note:**

> Everything Star Wars belongs to George and the House of Mouse. I am just borrowing for a bit. Takes place about 1 years before TPM.

I sit in front of the bacta tank, watching the most important person in my life floating in the viscous pink liquid, struggling with my thoughts and my heart. The code preaches that all attachments must be shed, that no one can be more important to a Jedi than duty. But for me nothing is more important than the will of the Force and the Force had spoken clearly to me about which path I should take. So, I tethered my life force to my padawan’s, keeping Obi-Wan alive long enough to bring him home to the people who could heal him. 

For me, it always seems to come to this—this moment when events spiral to the point that you feel trapped, when no matter what decision you make you fear for the consequences. In this case, the person who will carry the weight of those consequences drifts under heavy sedation, unaware of the struggle I am undergoing. Will my rule-abiding padawan accept the choice I made or reject out of hand the deepening of the bond that I initiated? Even after all of our years together, I am uncertain of what his reaction will be. As I watch the red-gold strands of his hair drift around his masked face, my mind flashes back to the past. 

It’s happened so many times in my life that I lost count years ago. My strength in the Living Force pushing me to make decisions that go against my mission mandates or the wishes of my superiors. I felt it sitting at the feet of the creche masters, my answers to the questions they asked out of sync with their teachings. I felt it among my clan mates, that feeling of being out of step with them, as if I was the only one who even considered choosing a different way through the next obstacle or along the next path. 

The feeling gets stronger when I’m chosen as a padawan. Master Dooku is so self-contained, so controlled. Most days, I don’t understand why he would choose someone like me, a boy who never feels settled in his own skin, someone who is always searching for an ever-elusive answer that cannot be found. Book learning comes effortlessly. Reading history, calculating mathematics, writing concise reports of what I’ve studied and how those facts apply to the now have never been an issue. But my mind refuses to settle there, it always wants to know more. The whys behind all those facts and figures, the reasons beings make the decisions they make. Why life has so little value for some, why profit and power mean so much more?

My agemates are more willing to accept the facts they are taught without caring about the whys and it isolates me further. I have very few friends and when Tahl and Micah are away on missions with their own masters, I find myself seated alone in the dining hall, in the library, in the stands of the salles. I am too different, too tall, too inquisitive, too introspective, to fit in with the padawans who care nothing about the why of what they learn or do.

I traveled to many worlds during my growing years. I saw much humanity and but much more suffering. On occasion, I find beings on the edge of destruction willing to share their last loaf of bread or their last measure of potable water. But more often I see beings with much more than anyone needs in a thousand lifetimes, hoarding their wealth, untouched by the plight of those suffering around them and I cannot understand why. No amount of negotiation will change their belief that they are entitled to all that they have, that they bear no responsibility to use some of their wealth to assist those who are less fortunate. 

At Master Dooku’s side, I learned the hard lessons that fractured my soul bit by bit. No recitation of facts will convince these selfish beings that what they are doing is wrong. They have no empathy, no humanitarianism, only the egotistic belief that all those beings in need are beneath them, are deserving of their suffering as if they have committed some indiscretion in their lives that makes them undeserving of a gentler fate.

At Master Dooku side, I learned the tactics to use when verbal negotiations fail. I learned to press against the things that matter most to those in power. When reason failed, I learned to threaten, with words and if needed with my blade. Master Dooku is the scion of a wealthy family; he understands what will make a leader capitulate when common sense and the need of others failed to attain that goal.

He strives to harden my heart, to push me away from caring about the needs of the downtrodden, the plights of the few, and focus on the benefits to the many. At times our views align, but most times they do not. I take what knowledge I can glean out of each situation but these events feed a defiance within me that I bury too deep for him to sense. 

With my knighting, I headed out on my own, the things I’d been taught often times in direct contradiction to what the Force was urging. I always try to make most appropriate decisions in each situation, to fulfill my duty in such a way as to stay in tune with the Force while not putting myself at odds with the Council. But as time moved forward, I found myself more often than not, following the will of the Force rather than the directives of my mission parameters. In most cases, the end result was success, but my methods were often called out by the Council, my mission reports scrutinized to point out every perceived flaw. 

I had only been knighted for four years when I took on Feemor to complete his training. The small age difference between us made me more of a mentor than a teacher. He already had solid skills and I was only working to refine them. Having someone to discuss decisions with helped me to grow as much as it helped him to learn and I found myself missing our partnership when his training was complete.

When I took on Xanatos, I tried to recreate the successful partnership I had with Feemor, but looking back, I see that was impossible from the start. Xanatos was too much like Dooku, a scion to a powerful family who was used to getting his own way. He felt entitled, and as he got older, his heritage made him side with those in power and be dismissive of the rights of lesser beings. His fall sent me spiraling and I fell back into my old habits of isolation and the belief that I didn’t belong. 

I stayed away from the Temple as much as possible, moving from mission to mission. I continuously refused to take on another padawan, until a headstrong boy with changeable eyes and flaming hair offered to sacrifice his life for me and a group of oppressed minors. 

Our years together were not without trials and tribulations, my failure with Xanatos weighing heavily on my every decision. My difficulties fueled Obi-Wan’s feelings of inadequacy and it took many years for our partnership to settle. Worrying about being too lenient, I ordered rather than taught for the first few years and it undermined his confidence.

In the end, by teaching and training Obi-Wan, I learned more about myself than I thought possible. That’s not to say we didn’t argue. We disagreed often and sometimes forcefully, but our respect for each other grew. Although Obi-Wan held strong beliefs, he was always willing to discuss any differences of opinion, even when I made those conversations difficult.

These last two years have strengthened the bond between us, and in most things, there is no one who knows me better. I’ve shared much of my past with him, spoken of my time in the creche and my own difficult apprenticeship. Talking of Xanatos was difficult, but revealing the reasons for my behavior early in his training, helped Obi-Wan to let go of his feelings of insecurity. The subject of attachment came up often, with debates about the fallacy that a Jedi had to remain totally detached from all others.

I never understood the Order’s fear of attachment. Masters in the Order who did not feel familial love for their padawans were few and far between and most would not think twice about sacrificing their own life to save their charge. And honestly, most padawans would do the same for their masters. Intelligent and compassionate beings cannot truly suppress their feelings. Although most Jedi have no connection to their birth families, they grow up with adults who care for them as initiates, clan mates who can be as close as siblings, and teachers who influence their lives. 

In the end, I kept nothing about my life hidden from him, with one very big exception. About a year ago, I found that my feelings for him were changing. My love started to shift, from that of a guardian for his ward, to that of one man for another. Unwilling to voice my feelings for fear of pressuring him into a relationship he really didn’t want, I kept my love buried and took refuge in our strong friendship. I planned to keep my love hidden forever, unless by some miracle, Obi-Wan approached me with feelings of his own.

A slight movement in my peripheral vision draws my attention from my thoughts. Obi-Wan’s fingers are twitching as they float in the pink fluid, an indication that his sedation is beginning to wane. Rising from my chair, I move closer to the tank, placing my hand against the glass and sending a tendril of the Force through our enhanced bond.

Obi-Wan will soon be aware enough to be removed from the tank. It will take a few hours before his mind is totally free of the drugs, but the change in our bond will be obvious even in a slightly addled state. 

I continue to maintain the connection between our minds as his movements increase. He is aware of my presence and reaches back to me, but is still muddled enough to not recognize anything more. He is more open to me than he’s ever been even with our strong master-padawan bond and his Light fills me.

Two healers enter the room, adjusting the controls on the tank and raising the lid. Obi-Wan kicks his feet to propel himself to the top of the tank, the healer pulling off his mask when he is free of the thick liquid. I can sense as he slowly catalogues his body, noting his injuries as he waits for the healers to lift him the rest of the way onto the gurney.

I’m directed into an empty patient room while the healers rinse the remnants of the sticky fluid off Obi-Wan’s body and settle him onto a comfortable bed. I can tell he’s able to sense that he’s back in the Temple but can also feel his confusion on how he’s arrived here.

The bed is pushed into the room and the healers take some time to check him over completely. I can sense he’s aware, but his eyes remain closed as he focuses on their movements. They reassure him that all of his injuries have begun to heal, attach the monitor leads and cover him with a heated blanket to help his transition from the tank.

The healers give me a full report on Obi-Wan injuries, current condition and prognosis as is my due as his master. I’m glad to be reassured that Obi-Wan will recover fully, with no lasting difficulties, although he will need some down time to regain his strength and full mobility.

By the time I settle into the chair I’ve moved to his bedside, Obi-Wan has drifted back off to sleep. I use the Force to check him over myself, needing to confirm what I’ve been told with my own senses. I use our strengthened bond to send healing energy to him, muting his pain as much as possible to lower his need for the much-hated pain medications.

It takes over an hour before I sense him starting to wake. I watch attentively as his eyes flutter, finally opening completely after a few minutes. “Hello, there,” I say, mimicking his normal greeting.

“Hel..” he gets out before he starts to cough. I bring a glass of water to his lips, and he draws a long sip through the straw.

“Better?”

“Yes,” he replies. “How?”

“I got you back to the ship and set course for the Temple,” I reply.

“How am I alive?” he coughs out.

Knowing that my next words will change my life one way or the other, I take a deep breath and admit what I’ve done. “I couldn’t let you go.” I take his hand and reach along our bond, showing him what I can’t find the words to explain.

I hold my breath as I feel him examining the bond, his touch both gentle and thorough as he notes the changes. “Why?”

In for a credit, in for a hundred. “Because I knew I couldn’t go on without you. I love you, Obi-Wan.”

The confusion on his face and in the bond slowly morphs into what could only be described a pure joy. “You love me?” he whispers as he twines his fingers with mine. “Truly love me?”

“Yes, I love you. You’re my reason for waking in the morning and the last thought I linger on as I’m falling asleep. I’ve always loved you, but now I’m also in love with you.”

“How long?” he croaks.

“Since our mission to Chaako City, when you fought against Delphi Kloda for the lives of those abducted Twileks.”

“That was over a year ago,” Obi-Wan exclaims, his voice getting clearer with each word. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I didn’t want you to feel pressured into a relationship you weren’t interested in.”

“You moron. I’ve been dreaming of us becoming lovers since I was eighteen,” Obi-Wan declares. “Look how much time we’ve wasted.”

“I could never have admitted my feelings when you were eighteen, even if they had existed back then. But now you are so close to your knighting, and I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve hesitated to discuss your knighthood with you because I’m afraid of losing you in my life.” 

“That makes two of us. I’ve been afraid to even broach the subject with you because I don’t want to be separated from you.”

“So, you’re not upset that I’ve bound us together permanently?”

“Upset? No way. Ecstatic is more like it.” Obi-Wan tugs on the hand he’s holding. “Kiss me.”

I rise from my chair, cup my hands around Obi-Wan’s head and lean down until my lips hover above his. “I love you,” I whisper before pressing my lips to his. I keep the kiss gentle, not wanting to put any pressure on his healing body. When I pull back, I press a few quick kisses over his forehead and cheeks. I can feel the exhaustion overtaking him and sit back in my chair. “Sleep, love. I’ll be here when you wake.” 

He tugs on my hand again and slides over on the bed. “Come and lay beside me. This may not be the way I imagined this revelation going but someone wise is continually telling me to live in the moment, so let’s do just that.”

I hesitate for a moment, then decide that with my reputation, no one will be shocked to find me flouting the ward’s rules. I take off my boots, remove my belt and strip off my sash, tabards and outer tunic. After folding them, I place them with the robe I discarded earlier and settle onto the bed. 

Obi-Wan moves very carefully into my arms, and rests his head on my shoulder. I wrap an arm around him, cradle him against my side and kiss his hair. “Sleep and heal. We have a lifetime together to look forward to.”

I directed another wave of healing energy through the bond, pleased when I felt the pain in the body against me diminishing. I know the future will hold adjustments for us to make and obstacles for us to overcome. But the future will be spent with us together as bonded mates, who will stand together no matter what the galaxy and the Force throws at us. And as a man who has spent my life always feeling like I didn’t belong, having that connection is a gift I could never have imagined having.


End file.
